In a shocking twist that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and intrigued, Pastor Bob Dole, head of the 'Praise the Lord, Shun the Gays' mega-church, has been observed engaging in a peculiar form of… let’s call it ‘spiritual entrepreneurship.’ Last Tuesday, Pastor Dole, known for his fiery sermons against the ‘rainbow menace’ and his unwavering belief that glitter is the devil’s confetti, publicly burned several Pride flags in a bonfire he charmingly dubbed ‘Operation Straighten Up.’ This act, of course, was met with the expected outrage from the LGBTQ+ community and their allies – mostly consisting of well-placed, strategically deployed eye rolls and the occasional, highly meme-able, sarcastic tweet.

However, the real story unfolds here: within 24 hours, Pastor Dole launched a wildly successful online business selling intricately designed rainbow-colored candles. These candles, bearing names like ‘Holy Spirit Rainbow Blast’ and ‘Gay-adjacent Glow,’ are reportedly selling faster than Taylor Swift tickets. Experts are baffled. Is this a cynical money-grab, a bizarre case of performative atonement, or – as some progressive theologians have theorized – a groundbreaking display of queer alchemy, where homophobia is transmuted into profit via the mystical power of capitalism?

"It's like, he hates us, *but* he also wants our money," commented Brenda, a local drag queen who purchased a ‘Holy Spirit Rainbow Blast’ candle primarily for Instagram content. "It's a fascinating case study in internalized queer capitalism. He’s basically selling his own brand of rainbow-washed guilt."

Meanwhile, Pastor Dole remains tight-lipped, only issuing a cryptic statement via his church’s Facebook page: "God works in mysterious ways...and through Etsy." The subsequent flurry of comments ranged from accusations of hypocrisy to requests for a bulk discount on rainbow candles for the upcoming pride parade. One particularly sassy comment read, "Honey, you're serving Rainbow Capitalism realness, werk!"

As the scandal unfolds, one thing remains clear: Pastor Dole has unintentionally become a meme, a symbol of the strange and often hilarious contradictions at the heart of modern religious and LGBTQ+ discourse. And his rainbow candle empire? Well, that’s just pure, unadulterated, capitalist magic.