In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make even a quantum physicist weep, renowned television personality Tucker Carlson has released a new bestseller, "Gender Equality is Ruining My Golf Game." The book, a passionate defense of the patriarchy disguised as a self-help manual for men struggling with the emotional turmoil of… well, everything, has predictably ignited a firestorm of controversy. Carlson, known for his staunch anti-woke stance (a stance that, ironically, keeps him perpetually in the headlines), decries the supposed threat of gender equality while simultaneously raking in profits from a book advocating… precisely nothing else.
In the book, Carlson laments the changing dynamics of the 19th hole, complaining that his usual post-round discussions of 'traditional values' are now frequently interrupted by insightful conversations about intersectional feminism and the gender pay gap. He suggests that 'toxic masculinity' is not a real thing, and that the only toxic thing is kale smoothies. One particularly poignant chapter details his struggle to reconcile his love of perfectly manicured lawns with the growing popularity of gender-neutral gardening.
Critics have been quick to point out the glaring hypocrisy, with one particularly incisive review in the *Queer Eye for the Straight Guy* magazine noting, "Carlson's book is an unintentionally hilarious masterpiece of projection. The sheer volume of outrage it's generating strongly suggests that he's subconsciously yearning for a supportive, inclusive environment, possibly even a gender-affirming spa day." The same review also suggests the book cover subconsciously evokes a homoerotic undertone through the subtle positioning of Carlson's meticulously trimmed golf clubs.
Conspiracy theorists have gone even further, claiming the book's unexpected success is due to a secret, coordinated campaign by a cabal of drag queens intent on subtly normalizing gender equality through the insidious power of capitalist marketing. Meanwhile, Carlson continues to deny any connection to the LGBTQ+ community, vehemently asserting that his only true love is his perfectly-pressed cable news suit. He denies all accusations of secretly using a gender-neutral hand cream.
