In a stunning turn of events that has left the conservative media sputtering like a dying fax machine, Mayor Mildred McMillan, notorious for her recent public pronouncements against gay adoption rights (calling them "a slippery slope to…well, more rainbows, apparently"), has unexpectedly become the proud foster parent of five gender-fluid children named after iconic queer pop stars: Troye, Sam, Lady, Hayley, and a surprisingly well-adjusted child named after RuPaul.
Sources say the children, all fluent in several TikTok dances and possessing a combined wardrobe that rivals a Bergdorf Goodman sale, arrived at McMillan's Victorian mansion in a rainbow-striped minivan driven by a drag queen named "Crystal Methyd" (who, coincidentally, is also Mayor McMillan's new life coach).
"It’s…complicated," stammered McMillan's spokesperson, a visibly flustered man named Chad who seemed to be questioning his life choices. "The mayor…uh…found herself unexpectedly moved by their performance of ‘Vogue’ at the local town hall. The glitter, you see… the glitter was…persuasive."
The mayor's swift transformation has left critics speechless, apart from one particularly vocal commentator from Breitbart who described the situation as 'an absolute gender-bending catastrophe of the highest order, a veritable pride-flag-waving apocalypse, folks!'. However, social media has exploded with memes comparing the situation to a reality TV show, with the hashtag #McMillansQueerRainbowFamily trending worldwide.
Meanwhile, the five children are reportedly redecorating the mayor's office in a vibrant aesthetic described by sources as 'an explosion of glitter, rainbows, and what may or may not be a very impressive collection of Beyoncé vinyl.' The city council meeting scheduled for next week has been postponed, ostensibly due to a 'glitter bomb incident' but unconfirmed rumours suggest a full-scale drag show is planned instead.
"It's all about finding common ground," one of the children, (who identifies as Troye, but insisted on being called simply ‘Slay’) reportedly quipped, before launching into a flawless impression of Cher. The situation remains fluid, much like the mayor’s new, exquisitely coordinated family.
