In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples – or perhaps tidal waves of glitter – through the evangelical community, Reverend Bartholomew Buttercup, a staunch opponent of ‘the lifestyle,’ was caught in a passionate embrace with his partner, Chad Thundercock, outside a Waffle House at 3 AM. Sources say the kiss was less ‘peck on the cheek’ and more ‘full-on, tongues-wagging, interpretive dance of devotion.’
Reverend Buttercup, known for his fiery sermons condemning the ‘rainbow menace’ and his insistence that wearing Crocs is a gateway sin, was unavailable for comment. His lawyer, however, issued a statement claiming the incident was a ‘misunderstanding’ and that the reverend was simply ‘experiencing a profound spiritual awakening…through Chad’s wonderfully sculpted pectorals.’ The lawyer also added that ‘Chad’s surprisingly effective use of holy water as a post-coital cleanser is worthy of further theological examination.’
This unexpected revelation has led to a flurry of activity within the religious right, with many scrambling to redefine their understanding of…well, everything. One prominent televangelist, Sister Agnes Periwinkle, declared the event ‘a sign from God…a sign that God has a truly excellent sense of irony and a weakness for ripped jeans.’
Meanwhile, social media has exploded with memes ranging from photoshopped images of Reverend Buttercup and Chad in matching ‘Kissing Booth’ aprons to theories that the entire incident was orchestrated by a shadowy cabal of liberal arts majors determined to ‘deconstruct’ faith.
This scandal has undoubtedly opened up a vital dialogue (with maybe a little too much lube involved) about the inherent contradictions of faith, the complexities of human sexuality, and whether or not Waffle House syrup is kosher. Stay tuned as we continue to unravel this most delicious of theological mysteries. And remember, kids: always carry a small bottle of holy water in your purse – you never know when you might need to cleanse a particularly sinful situation…or a particularly sinful beard.
