In a stunning turn of events that has the internet ablaze with more hot takes than a TikTok influencer's comment section, renowned homophobe and politician, Bartholomew 'Barty' Bigglesworth III, has adopted a child... a gay child. Yes, you read that right. Little Kevin, a sassy 8-year-old with a penchant for glitter and Broadway musicals, is now officially part of the Bigglesworth household.
Bigglesworth, known for his staunch opposition to LGBTQ+ rights and his belief that marriage should be between 'a man, a woman, and a taxidermied badger,' has caused quite the kerfuffle. His supporters are struggling to reconcile his newfound 'open-mindedness' with his past pronouncements comparing gay marriage to 'a unicorn riding a unicycle while juggling chainsaws.' (We're still not entirely sure what that meant, but it was definitely against gay marriage.)
Critics, however, are not buying it. They see Bigglesworth’s adoption as a desperate attempt at 'rainbow-washing,' a process, some say, where conservatives attempt to appear inclusive only to strategically avoid losing votes. The hashtag #GaybyGate is trending, with some speculating that the entire adoption was a meticulously planned PR stunt orchestrated by a shadowy cabal of woke activists and a very persuasive child psychologist named Dr. Phil.
"It's like he thinks buying a rainbow-colored Prius makes up for years of actively campaigning against our rights," says Chad Thundercock, spokesperson for the local LGBTQ+ advocacy group, 'Queer as Folk, Actually.' "We're not exactly thrilled, especially after he called Kevin's glitter-covered unicorn backpack 'a satanic abomination'."
Bigglesworth denies the accusations of rainbow-washing, claiming the adoption was purely 'a matter of the heart… and maybe slightly the looming midterm elections.' He insists he's undergoing a period of 'spiritual enlightenment' and that he now 'sees the error of his ways… or, at least, the error of not having a gay child to showcase his newfound tolerance'.
Meanwhile, little Kevin is apparently enjoying his newfound celebrity, posting TikTok videos featuring himself dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, singing show tunes, and effortlessly schooling his adoptive father on the complexities of gender identity. The internet is, predictably, losing it. The question remains: Is this a genuine conversion, a sophisticated political maneuver, or just a really, really awkward family photo opportunity waiting to happen?
