In a stunning display of… something, star quarterback Chad "Chad Chaderson" Chadlington has refused to wear the obligatory Pride patch during this weekend's game, sparking outrage across the nation – or, at least, outrage among those whose social media algorithms haven't yet been purged of common sense.
Chad, known for his surprisingly effective spiral passes and even more surprisingly effective spiral of self-doubt, claims the patch ‘clashed with his brand.’ His brand, apparently, being ‘beefy, aggressively heterosexual, and vaguely threatened by anything remotely resembling glitter.’ However, to assuage the brewing storm (or at least the brewing storm of passive-aggressive tweets from the New York Times), Chad unveiled a solution that’s as brilliant as it is… well, it’s certainly something:
He designed custom rainbow sneakers.
Yes, you read that correctly. While staunchly refusing a small, unobtrusive patch, Chad has instead chosen to adorn himself with footwear that appears to have been vomited up by a unicorn after a particularly vibrant rave. These aren’t your grandma’s rainbow sneakers, either. These babies are bespoke, handcrafted from ethically-sourced glitter (apparently sourced directly from the tears of disappointed homophobes), and are rumored to glow in the dark, play ‘YMCA’ upon contact with water, and come with a complimentary subscription to Vogue.
The internet, predictably, has exploded. Conservatives are outraged, claiming it's a 'liberal agenda' and the 'erosion of American values'. (We’re still waiting for someone to define those values; so far we’ve only gotten angry shouting and vague allusions to the importance of keeping their lawn perfectly manicured.) Liberals, meanwhile, are divided. Some hail Chad as a reluctant hero, a beacon of accidental progress, a man who unwittingly demonstrated that the true meaning of Pride is to do whatever the hell you want, as long as you wear ridiculously fabulous rainbow sneakers. Others are less impressed, calling the situation a ‘performative act of homonormativity,’ which, let’s face it, isn't that far off the mark.
Chad, for his part, simply shrugs. “They’re comfortable,” he mumbled to reporters, then promptly dropped his perfectly sculpted six-pack abs into a protein shake, further solidifying his image as the most confusing, contradictory, and strangely inspirational athlete of our time. So, the next time you’re faced with a seemingly intractable moral dilemma, remember Chad Chaderson. He’s living proof that you can totally offend and delight simultaneously. Just make sure you've got the right footwear.
