In a move that has left political pundits scratching their perfectly sculpted, gender-neutral heads, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch III has banned rainbow flags from all public buildings in his state, citing concerns about 'visual clutter' and the 'potential for increased unicorn sightings'. Simultaneously, however, he's unveiled his brand-new, wildly successful café, "Rainbowlicious," boasting a menu featuring items like the "Drag Queen Delight" (a kale smoothie so green, it's practically screaming 'trans rights!') and the "Obergefell Overdrive" (a triple-espresso macchiato strong enough to fuel a thousand Pride parades).
Butterscotch, known for his surprisingly flamboyant collection of pastel-colored bow ties, claims the ban is purely about aesthetics. "The sheer volume of rainbow flags is distracting," he explains, adjusting his sequined cufflinks. "It's like living in a My Little Pony convention, but without the charming ponies." Meanwhile, critics suggest the café is a blatant attempt at performative allyship, a kind of 'rainbow-washing' if you will – a technique so brazen it could give even RuPaul a run for its money.
One particularly outspoken activist, Brenda Glitterbomb, a self-proclaimed 'queer revolutionary' with a penchant for glitter cannons, labelled the senator's actions a 'masterclass in subtle homophobia.' "He's basically saying, 'I'll let you have your rainbows, as long as they're neatly contained within a capitalist enterprise where I profit from your celebration of queerness,'" Brenda stated, while simultaneously launching a glitter bomb into the air. The resulting shimmering cloud perfectly obscured the newly erected 'No Rainbow Flags' sign in front of the State Capitol building.
The controversy is further fueled by the café's overwhelmingly high prices, leading to accusations that it's a 'queer-priced' establishment, only affordable to the 'rainbow elite'. Butterscotch denies these allegations, insisting the prices reflect the 'high-quality, ethically-sourced unicorn tears' used in several signature dishes. This, of course, only adds fuel to the already raging fire of outrage and bewilderment.
Whatever his intentions, one thing is certain: Senator Butterscotch has managed to create a situation so exquisitely absurd, it’s practically a work of performance art – a performance that will probably end up costing him his next campaign, unless he somehow manages to incorporate ‘political satire’ into his next policy announcement.
