In a move that's simultaneously baffled and enraged the LGBTQ+ community (and probably delighted several disgruntled middle managers), Chad Thundercock, CEO of 'Bro-Tech Solutions,' has banned all gender-neutral bathrooms in his company's headquarters. Apparently, the sight of a man and a woman sharing a bathroom simultaneously induced such a powerful case of 'existential dread' in Chad that he felt the only solution was to entirely eliminate the concept.

Instead of embracing inclusivity, Chad has commissioned a lavish, individually designed, 'Me-Only' bathroom, featuring a solid gold toilet (because, priorities), a curated selection of artisanal bath bombs, and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Elon Musk offering words of encouragement (we assume they're related to crypto).

'It's not about being homophobic,' Chad clarified in a press release that somehow simultaneously smelled of Old Spice and desperation. 'It's about maintaining a high level of… uh… *personal hygiene standards*. Sharing a bathroom is simply… *unhygienic* for a CEO of my caliber. Plus, the pronouns on the doors confused my AI-powered smart-towel dispenser. It kept offering me lavender-scented towels. I prefer sandalwood. It’s more… *CEO*.'

The ensuing social media outrage has been… spectacular. #ChadThundercockIsOverParty trended for over 12 hours before being overshadowed by a TikTok dance craze featuring a cat wearing a tiny rainbow tutu. Activists have called the move 'the ultimate cis-temic oppression,' while others have simply labeled it 'douchey'. One particularly vocal member of the 'They/Them' pronouns fan club threatened to 'hex' Chad's golf swing – a threat Chad reportedly dismissed as ‘a mild inconvenience’. Meanwhile, the only person seemingly happy about the situation is Chad's personal assistant, Brenda, who's now enjoying an unprecedented level of uninterrupted bathroom time. The irony is, of course, totally lost on everyone involved.