In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of…well, mostly confused bewilderment…through the sporting world, Olympic sprinter Chad Thundercock has refused to wear a Pride flag on his uniform, citing concerns that it "wasn't vibrant enough." Instead, the controversial athlete, known for his breathtaking speed and equally breathtaking lack of self-awareness, has launched a wildly successful line of Pride merchandise.

The collection, aptly titled "Chad's Rainbow Riot," features everything from bedazzled tracksuits (apparently, sequins are now a symbol of LGBTQ+ liberation) to limited-edition glitter-infused protein shakes ("fueling the queer revolution, one scoop at a time!"). The line has already generated millions, further solidifying Chad’s position as a capitalist icon in the fight for…well, we’re still trying to figure out what exactly he's fighting for. Is it LGBTQ+ rights? Is it personal branding? Is it a cunning attempt to distract from the suspiciously timed release of his new memoir, "My Muscles, My Truth, My Slightly Questionable Endorsements?"

Critics have slammed Chad's actions as a blatant example of 'rainbow capitalism' – a term Chad vehemently denies understanding, while simultaneously posting a selfie with a $10,000 rainbow-colored Lamborghini. "It's not about the money," he insists, his words echoing slightly less convincingly than the roar of the Lambo's engine. "It's about... inclusivity? Diversity? Something like that. Look, I've got a Pilates class, I gotta go!"

Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are left grappling with the situation. "It's like he's weaponized performative allyship to fund his own fabulous lifestyle," commented activist Brenda Glitterbomb, adjusting her rainbow-studded monocle. "But hey, at least he's selling those protein shakes for a good price. Support small business, even if that business is actively contributing to the problematic intersection of capitalism and queerness."