In a stunning display of what some are calling 'performative allyship' (others, 'peak hypocrisy'), Cuthbert Worthington III, CEO of the notoriously straight-laced Worthington Toasters, has been caught in a blatant act of… well, we're not quite sure. Last Tuesday, Worthington blocked an internal Pride ad campaign – citing concerns about 'diluting the brand's core values' (those values apparently including a complete absence of LGBTQ+ representation). Then, on Saturday, he was spotted marching in the Pride parade, beaming proudly alongside his wife, Debbie, and their perfectly-coiffed children, all decked out in rainbow-colored 'Worthington Toasters: We're *Thinking* About Inclusion' t-shirts.

The internet, naturally, exploded. #WorthingtonWokeWashing trended globally, reaching peak saturation within approximately 3.7 seconds. Experts weighed in, with Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, leading expert in 'Performative Allyship Studies,' stating: 'This is the kind of brazen, audacious hypocrisy that makes my meticulously organized spreadsheets of performative allyship tremble with both indignation and mild amusement.'

Worthington's office released a statement clarifying that his decision to block the campaign was a 'calculated strategic move' aimed at 'maximizing brand resonance with the 'traditional' consumer base,' before pivoting to an emotionally resonant description of how 'seeing the joy in his children's eyes at the parade profoundly shifted his perspective...slightly.'

Meanwhile, employees are reportedly staging a 'rainbow-themed sit-in' demanding mandatory diversity training (preferably led by RuPaul himself), a company-wide renaming to 'Worthington Toasters: Now with Added Glitter!' and, of course, the immediate reinstatement of the rejected Pride ad campaign. The ad, we hear, featured a slightly-charred slice of toast emerging from a toaster shaped like a giant rainbow unicorn, wearing a tiny tiara. It was, in the words of one employee, 'utterly iconic.' One can only imagine the marketing potential Worthington missed. This whole situation is just… toasty.