Hollywood's resident demigod, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, has once again vehemently denied rumors of his homosexuality, releasing a statement so aggressively heterosexual it could single-handedly cure ovarian cancer. The statement, which was reportedly longer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy and smelled faintly of Old Spice and desperation, followed his recent adoption of a puppy so rainbow-hued it looks like it escaped from a Lisa Frank fever dream.

"Let me be clear," thundered Johnson in a press conference that featured surprisingly robust lighting for a midday event, "I am a man's man, a heterosexual alpha male who enjoys chest hair, monster trucks, and the smell of freshly cut lumber, preferably sourced ethically and sustainably. Although, I will admit, that sparkly rainbow harness for the puppy...well, that was Kevin Hart's idea."

The adorable pup, named 'Pride' (naturally), sports a coat that seems to be the result of a genetic experiment involving a Skittles factory explosion and a unicorn. While Johnson insists that his love for the dog is purely platonic, and certainly doesn't reflect any inner turmoil relating to his masculinity, conspiracy theorists are already speculating that 'Pride' is actually a sophisticated bio-engineered tool used to subtly 'gay-ify' society.

One particularly outspoken member of the 'Straight Pride' movement – a group whose existence is baffling to most – commented, "This is outrageous! It's a clear attempt at normalizing homosexuality through the innocent eyes of a PUPPY! Next thing you know, they’ll be pushing rainbow-colored…everything!" This statement was followed by a dramatic cough and the sound of someone choking on a suspiciously large piece of meat.

Meanwhile, Kevin Hart, still visibly traumatized by his recent 'Pride' incident, simply tweeted a GIF of a man running away from a pack of puppies.