In a move so shocking it's practically a rainbow-colored nuclear explosion, CEO Bartholomew Butterscotch of Butterscotch Industries has announced he will *not* be sponsoring this year's Pride parade. The internet, naturally, has imploded into a supernova of confused thinkpieces. But before you grab your pitchforks (made ethically, of course, from sustainably harvested unicorn horns), let's examine this baffling act of… what is it? Subversive philanthropy? Reverse-psychology woke-ism? Or just plain old-fashioned genius-level trolling?
Butterscotch, known for his fondness for tweed jackets and aggressively beige interiors, issued a statement explaining his decision. "Pride is too mainstream," he declared in a press release that included more footnotes than actual text. "Frankly, associating with something so… *popular* dilutes its message. I prefer a more… *niche* approach to gay rights." He then followed this bombshell revelation with the announcement of a seven-figure donation to a newly formed LGBTQ+ charity called "The Association for the Promotion of Extremely Fabulous and Unbelievably Queer Activities," or APEFUQA for short.
The internet's collective head-splosion was almost as loud as the collective gasp when it was revealed that APEFUQA's first project is funding a documentary about the surprisingly queer history of competitive thumb wrestling, narrated by RuPaul himself, and featuring a cameo from that one guy from *Queer Eye* who always wears a bandana.
Critics, naturally, are up in arms. Some claim it's a cynical PR stunt, a calculated attempt to buy his way into the good graces of the woke mob (a mob that, it must be said, is fiercely competitive about who’s the wokest). Others see it as proof that the capitalist system inherently seeks to commodify even the most authentic expressions of queer liberation (which is ironic, given that Butterscotch's decision proves they are commodifiable). Still others have suggested it's evidence of advanced alien technology manipulating the global financial system through the medium of outrage-bait. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if that last one turned out to be true.
One thing is clear: Bartholomew Butterscotch has successfully navigated the minefield of modern social justice discourse, proving that sometimes, the most radical act of all is to do precisely the opposite of what everyone expects. This is less about actual social change and more about achieving maximum levels of Twitter drama, yet, somehow, this is totally on brand for 2024. Bravo, Bartholomew. Bravo.
