In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the evangelical community (and slightly more significant tidal waves through the LGBTQ+ TikTok sphere), Pastor Thaddeus “BlessingHands” Butterfield accidentally came out during Sunday’s sermon. The incident occurred midway through his fiery condemnation of…well, everything – when, in a moment of apparent divine inspiration (or possibly a sudden sugar rush from too many communion wafers), he declared, "And I, Thaddeus, am… *feeling* this sermon, you know? Feeling it *deeply*. In fact, I'm feeling it so deeply that I’m thinking of marrying Chad…Chadwick, my beautiful, brilliant, and breathtakingly talented pottery instructor. And no, he doesn't use a wheel. That's not the kind of pottery we're talking about here…if you catch my drift.
The congregation, initially stunned into a collective gasp that could curdle milk at fifty paces, swiftly transitioned into a flurry of activity usually reserved for the annual bake sale. One elderly woman fainted (dramatically, we must add, with a full-body extension and slow-motion tumble), while several younger parishioners immediately began live-streaming the event to their combined 74,000 TikTok followers. #Blessed #AccidentalComingOut #ChadwickIsMyKing.
The aftermath has been nothing short of a cultural explosion. Conservative pundits have called it a ‘watershed moment’ and started a petition to ban pottery wheels, while progressive commentators have declared it ‘the most authentic sermon since the loaves and fishes.’ Even Kim Kardashian has weighed in (via a cryptic tweet featuring a single, glittering rainbow emoji, and the hashtag #JesusIsMyBoyfriend), and that's saying something. Meanwhile, sales of gender-neutral communion cups have skyrocketed, with one retailer reporting a 3000% increase in demand. The only downside? The sudden shortage of artisanal, hand-thrown pottery – apparently Chad’s classes are booked solid for the next millennium.
The Butterfield family released a statement, insisting the revelation was “a trial by fire,” adding that “Thaddeus has always been a little…extra.” Their statement failed, however, to address the numerous unanswered questions, such as: why did Chad get a special shout-out during a sermon that previously focused on the evils of…well, everything? Or, if heaven is genderless, why hasn’t anyone invented genderless harps yet? Only time will tell, but one thing’s for certain: the church picnic is going to be *extra* fabulous this year.
