In a move that has sent shockwaves through the heartland (and possibly triggered a minor earthquake in Nashville), country music icon Dolly Parton has announced a radical reimagining of her classic hit, "Jolene." The revamped version, tentatively titled "Jolene (They/Them Remix)", features gender-neutral pronouns, a full gospel choir belting out verses in Klingon (for added inclusivity, naturally), and a surprisingly upbeat banjo solo that sounds suspiciously like the theme song to "Queer Eye."
Parton, in a statement released through her publicist (who identifies as a gender-fluid sentient cactus), explained the decision: "Honey, it's 2024. We gotta be more inclusive! Jolene could be *anyone* – a they, a them, a non-binary alpaca farmer with a penchant for sparkly boots. The possibilities are endless! Plus, the Klingon really adds a certain… je ne sais quoi."
The reaction has been…mixed. Conservative commentators are predictably apoplectic, with one particularly flustered pundit lamenting the loss of "traditional family values" and claiming the new version "sounds like a badger mating call played backward." Meanwhile, social media is ablaze with memes depicting Dolly Parton as a gender-bending superhero, wielding a rainbow-colored banjo and saving the world from the tyranny of gendered pronouns, one catchy tune at a time.
However, it's not just Jolene getting a woke makeover. Parton's entire catalog is reportedly being re-evaluated for LGBTQ+ sensitivity. Rumors abound that "9 to 5" will be re-released as a powerful anthem about the struggles of non-binary office workers fighting for equal pay, and "Coat of Many Colors" will now feature a kaleidoscope of pronouns and a spoken-word interlude by Elliot Page.
One thing is certain: Dolly Parton, bless her rhinestone-covered heart, has once again proven that she's more than just a queen of country music – she's the supreme ruler of the woke-averse, and she’s not afraid to use her banjo to enforce her reign. Prepare for a cultural shift so seismic, it might actually make the earth move… again.
