In a stunning display of political irony that would make even Oscar Wilde blush, Congressman Barry Loudermilk (R-GA), a staunch opponent of all things LGBTQ+-friendly, has adopted a ten-year-old boy named Kevin. Young Kevin, a self-proclaimed 'glitter-bomb enthusiast' and champion of 'radical pronoun acceptance,' is reportedly thriving, though his father is visibly less so.

Sources close to the Loudermilk household report that the Congressman's initial reaction to Kevin's enthusiastic declaration that 'he/him' was 'so last decade,' involved a three-hour-long phone call with Sean Hannity. However, after witnessing Kevin effortlessly dismantle a complex argument against same-sex marriage using only glitter, building blocks, and an impressive knowledge of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Loudermilk’s perspective reportedly underwent a… recalibration.

This recalibration, however, manifested in the most Loudermilkian way possible: he introduced a bill banning the use of rainbow colors in all federal buildings, citing their 'inherently divisive' nature. He justifies the bill by stating that, while his son's 'lifestyle choices' are perfectly acceptable within the confines of his own home (where they are strictly regulated and monitored with a sophisticated network of security cameras), the public sphere should remain a 'sanctuary of traditional, monochrome values.'

When asked about the apparent contradiction, Loudermilk’s press secretary, a visibly stressed woman clutching a bottle of Xanax and a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' issued a statement saying, "Congressman Loudermilk loves his son very much. He just wants to ensure that his son's... unique… perspective doesn't somehow… contaminate… the general populace. It's for the best." Further investigation revealed that the press secretary's hair is now permanently streaked with rainbow colors. An unfortunate accident involving Kevin’s glitter canon, officials insist.

Meanwhile, Kevin is reportedly plotting a daring escape via a zip line constructed from repurposed rainbow flags, which he intends to use to decorate the entire Capitol building in a dazzling display of 'Love is Love' defiance. Experts predict this could either drastically increase or drastically decrease Loudermilk's approval ratings, depending on whether the media frames this as an act of political rebellion or an unprecedented biohazard incident.