In a move so shocking it's practically a gender-affirming top surgery, Kevin Costner, the man who once whispered sweet nothings to a horse (and possibly a few Native Americans), has been cast in a groundbreaking new LGBTQ+ romance film, "Prairie Queers in Love." Sources say Costner, known for his ruggedly handsome heteronormativity and penchant for cowboy hats that scream 'patriarchal dominance,' will play a closeted rancher who discovers his true love is a genderfluid rodeo clown with a penchant for interpretive dance and artisanal cheesemaking.
The film's director, a non-binary individual named Chardonnay Merlot (naturally), stated that Costner's role was pivotal in "deconstructing toxic masculinity through the medium of slow-motion kissing scenes and emotionally charged line dances." Critics have already hailed it as the most heteronormatively subversive movie of the decade, arguing that Costner's very presence somehow manages to simultaneously dismantle and reinforce harmful stereotypes about heterosexual cowboys.
One particularly insightful film critic, writing for the prestigious journal *Queer Quarterly*, noted: "Costner's performance is a masterclass in nuanced ambiguity. He manages to embody both the oppressive weight of patriarchal heteronormativity while simultaneously embodying the liberating fluidity of queer desire... or something. I'm still trying to unpack it all."
Of course, not everyone is happy. A spokesperson for the 'Protect Our Masculinity' group issued a statement saying, "We're not saying we're homophobic, but...is this man really 'acting?' Or has some sort of alien parasite infiltrated his body and replaced his heterosexual essence with the essence of a...a *gay?* We demand answers! And possibly a boycott of this… this… *travesty*."
Meanwhile, Costner is rumored to be taking acting lessons from Laverne Cox and RuPaul to perfect his portrayal of a man coming to terms with his own internalized homophobia, or maybe he's just learning how to do a proper death drop. Either way, it’s sure to be an awards season shocker!
