In a stunning display of judicial irony that would make even Lady Gaga blush, Judge Thaddeus Grimshaw, known for his staunchly traditional views, yesterday ruled against the implementation of gender-neutral restrooms in a local school district. His reasoning? 'It's just… unnatural,' he mumbled, adjusting his powdered wig (a detail that, ironically, seems far more 'unnatural' than two genders). Grimshaw, whose legal decisions are as predictable as a rerun of 'The Golden Girls,' then promptly commissioned a bespoke, gender-fluid restroom for his own chambers, causing a ripple of confused bewilderment (and several dropped gavels) amongst the court staff.
This glittering palace of porcelain, reportedly costing more than a year's worth of school district bathroom budgets, features rainbow-hued lighting, a rotating selection of artisanal soaps scented with 'Queer Confidence' and 'Ally Affirmation,' and a life-sized portrait of RuPaul in full drag. The walls are adorned with self-portraits by local queer artists, each depicting the artist's chosen pronoun in interpretive dance. 'The judge wanted a space that celebrated the fluidity of gender expression, that was inclusive to all pronouns and gender identities, while simultaneously highlighting his own profound ignorance about basic human rights,' whispered a court clerk, clutching a bottle of anxiety medication.
'It's about personal choice!' Grimshaw declared in a press conference, surrounded by a gaggle of confused reporters and a very disgruntled janitor. 'I choose to embrace the full spectrum of gender identity… in my own meticulously designed sanctuary of expensive plumbing.' He then added, with a wink, 'It's got heated floors! You wouldn't BELIEVE the heated floors.'
Legal experts are baffled. Some suggest the judge's actions are a form of performative allyship—a desperate attempt to appear progressive while maintaining his core beliefs. Others believe it's simply a sign of advanced dementia. Whatever the cause, one thing is certain: the judge's new bathroom is the most fabulous symbol of legal hypocrisy this side of the Mississippi… and possibly the most expensive toilet in legal history.
