In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously bewildered and bedazzled, Senator Bartholomew Bigglesworth's staunch opposition to gay adoption has inadvertently triggered a nationwide explosion of Drag Queen Story Hour events. Bigglesworth, a man whose fashion sense screams 'early 90s mall goth' and whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues appears to be limited to a single, poorly-understood episode of 'Will & Grace', declared that allowing same-sex couples to adopt would 'destroy the very fabric of the American family… and possibly also the value of my Beanie Babies collection.'
His comments, predictably, sparked outrage among the LGBTQ+ community and their allies, who immediately organized a series of flamboyant counter-protests. These protests, however, have taken an unexpectedly delightful turn. Instead of angry picket lines, we're seeing parades of glitter-bombed toddlers, impromptu lip-sync battles featuring drag queens in full regal attire, and what one news reporter described as 'a surprisingly well-organized bake sale with rainbow cupcakes that tasted suspiciously like happiness.'
'It's like he accidentally activated a national 'Rainbow Riot' button,' commented local drag queen, Trixie Mattelson, whose spectacular performance at a protest in Boise, Idaho, reportedly caused a nearby cornfield to spontaneously burst into a breathtaking display of rainbows. 'Honestly, bless his cotton socks. The man's single-handedly created the most fabulous social movement since…well, since the invention of glitter glue.'
Social media is currently ablaze with pictures of Senator Bigglesworth's horrified face superimposed onto various scenes from 'RuPaul's Drag Race,' leading many to speculate that this unexpected surge of LGBTQ+ activism is precisely the kind of 'destruction' he'd hoped to avoid. Meanwhile, experts predict that the increased demand for rainbow-colored everything will have a significantly positive impact on the economy, creating thousands of jobs for unicorn breeders, glitter miners, and professional rainbow-makers.
Bigglesworth remains unmoved, insisting that his stance remains firm. His press secretary, however, confided to us that the Senator is now secretly taking online drag makeup tutorials and contemplating a career change. He's also reportedly attempting to sell his Beanie Babies collection on eBay, hoping to fund a 'very extensive' wardrobe upgrade. The future, it seems, is as fabulous as it is unpredictable.
