In a move that has left political pundits scratching their heads and drag queens reaching for their glitter glue, Senator Thaddeus Johnson, known for his staunchly… *traditional* views, has simultaneously cancelled Pride Month and proposed a sweeping bill legalizing gay marriage nationwide.

Johnson, in a press conference that involved an oddly large amount of sweating and a suspiciously misplaced toupee, explained his drastic shift in ideology as a “strategic rebranding.” He claimed that Pride Month was “too flamboyant” and “gave the wrong impression,” before immediately proposing a bill that would allow same-sex couples to legally marry, adopting what he called a 'more understated' approach to LGBTQ+ rights.

"Frankly," Senator Johnson stated, dabbing his brow with a handkerchief that mysteriously smelled of lavender and old money, "the rainbow flags were distracting from the real issue: the sanctity of… well, *marriage*. And let's be honest, nobody needs a month of parades when we can just have a quiet, respectful, legally binding union. Less glitter, more paperwork."

Critics immediately labeled the move as the political equivalent of trying to put out a fire with gasoline – in a sequin jumpsuit. Several LGBT+ advocacy groups pointed out the inherent hypocrisy of a man who was clearly just attempting to take credit for progress without ever actually being on the right side of history.

The internet, of course, has exploded. Memes featuring Johnson alongside images of RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants have gone viral, with captions ranging from the supportive ("Finally, he's seen the light!") to the highly sarcastic ("Sure, Jan."). One particularly popular meme shows Johnson superimposed onto a picture of a confused-looking Kevin Bacon, with the text: 'Johnson's rebranding strategy is about as successful as Kevin Bacon's career after 'Footloose.'"

Meanwhile, a petition calling for a replacement Pride Month called "Pride Month 2.0: This Time, It's Personal" has already gathered over a million signatures, demanding a month-long celebration that is as subtle and understated as Senator Johnson’s newly-found commitment to LGBTQ+ rights. Think less flamboyant floats, more somber commemorative stamps.

Whatever Johnson's true motives, one thing is certain: this 'strategic rebranding' has provided more comedic fodder for the internet than a thousand stand-up routines at a gay bar.