In a stunning display of… let's call it *creative theology*, Pastor Thaddeus Worthington of the ‘Return to Traditional Values’ megachurch yesterday publicly incinerated a pile of Pride flags, only to then unveil a lucrative new line of ‘Holy Rainbow’ candles. The event, livestreamed to an audience of mostly bewildered onlookers and several very concerned kittens, has sparked a debate about the intersection of faith, capitalism, and the vibrant, ever-evolving spectrum of human sexuality.
Eyewitnesses report the flames reaching biblical proportions, possibly even exceeding the heights of Lot's wife (depending on your preferred geological interpretation). Following the fiery spectacle, Pastor Worthington, sporting a newly-purchased ‘Blessed Be the Fruit’ t-shirt (ironically, not from his own merch store), announced his new line of candles. These, he explained with a dazzling smile, are infused with 'the holy spirit of inclusivity,' and each scent is specifically designed to 'celebrate the diversity of God's love'. Lavender for lesbians, apparently. Pine for the pansexual, and something called 'Musk Ox' for... well, let's just say it's generating a lot of online chatter.
'It's all about embracing the paradox,' Pastor Worthington explained in an exclusive interview conducted over Zoom, wearing a rainbow-colored stole that looked suspiciously like it was made from repurposed Pride flags. 'The fire purifies, the rainbow unites. It's a synergy, you see. A divine synergy of… business.'
Critics, however, aren’t buying it. 'It's like when that guy in 'Mean Girls' said 'If you're not with me, then you're my enemy' but instead of 'me' it's 'capitalism,' and instead of 'enemy' it's 'LGBTQ+ community,' said renowned theologian, Dr. Anita Bathwater. 'This isn't spiritual, it's just… deeply, deeply ironic.'
Meanwhile, sales of the 'Holy Rainbow' candles are booming. Pastor Worthington is reportedly planning a follow-up event: a 'Reconciliation Roast,' where he'll grill hot dogs and symbolically burn all negative social media comments.
Stay tuned. This story is sure to have more twists and turns than a RuPaul's Drag Race finale.
