In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and questioning the very fabric of reality, Mayor Mildred McMillan – known for her staunch support of… well, absolutely nothing – has canceled this year’s Pride parade. But fear not, LGBTQIA+ allies! This isn’t some homophobic hate crime; it’s a *masterclass* in woke performance art. Apparently, canceling the parade frees up resources for McMillan's groundbreaking new documentary, "Rainbow Capitalism: A Deep Dive Into My Soul," which features the mayor in a series of increasingly flamboyant outfits, including but not limited to: a sequined jumpsuit that rivals Lady Gaga's most daring ensembles, a feather boa the size of a small car, and a pair of platform heels that could be considered an architectural marvel.
Sources close to the mayor (who, incidentally, only speak in glitter and vaguely threatening affirmations) confirm the documentary will explore the complex intersectionality of being a straight, white woman who *really* loves glitter. Experts suggest this is a brave and necessary exploration of the often-overlooked struggle of cisgender heterosexuals in the face of overwhelming rainbow-themed marketing campaigns. "She's bravely confronting the internalized homophobia of straight white women everywhere," one 'expert' (a flamboyant poodle named Fluffy) declared before attempting to steal a camera.
The cancellation of the Pride parade has also been hailed as a profound act of subversive political theater. By removing the actual parade, the argument goes, McMillan has created a far more impactful, visceral experience. Attending the parade was mere passive consumption; now, the outrage and internet discourse generated by its cancellation constitutes a far more active form of LGBTQ+ engagement. Think of it as a performance art piece about the inherent performativity of identity – if that performance involves a suspiciously expensive Emmy-winning documentary crew and a whole lot of rainbow-colored confetti. Truly, a triumph of art over… logistics, apparently.
Critics, meanwhile, are largely comprised of people muttering things like 'what the actual...', 'is this real life?', and 'I need a drink'. But they just don't understand the brilliance of it all. After all, what's a Pride parade when you can have a truly *authentic* experience of woke-ness, delivered straight (pun intended) from the mayor's perfectly curated and aggressively-glittery soul?
