In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and possibly a few tectonic plates), Hollywood heartthrob Brad Pitt was spotted holding hands with acclaimed choreographer, Chad Michaels, outside a Whole Foods. Pitt, known for his rugged masculinity and commitment to roles that involve aggressively staring intensely into the middle distance, immediately denied any homosexual leanings.
"It was a completely platonic gesture," Pitt insisted, while simultaneously subtly adjusting Chad's perfectly coiffed hair. "We were discussing the merits of organic kale versus the socio-economic implications of conventionally grown potatoes. A very heterosexual conversation, I assure you."
However, the internet, ever the bastion of nuanced and thoughtful discussion, had a field day. #AccidentalGay was trending faster than the price of avocado toast, with users debating whether the brief hand-hold constituted a full-blown coming-out, a subtle declaration of bisexual fluidity, or merely a sign that Brad Pitt is finally embracing his inner RuPaul.
Some experts weighed in. Professor Dolores Umbridge (a noted authority on both magical and social control mechanisms) suggested that the event highlights the urgent need for mandatory heterosexual re-education camps to prevent the spread of such 'deviant behaviour.' Others, like Dr. Phil (whose expertise ranges from questionable relationship advice to questionable hairpieces) suggested that Pitt's actions might be a cry for help. "Could it be a symptom of repressed inner drag queen? Only time, and a very thorough psychological evaluation by someone who can handle extreme amounts of glitter, will tell," Dr. Phil mused.
Meanwhile, Chad Michaels remained tight-lipped, simply offering a cryptic tweet: "Potatoes are overrated. Embrace the kale. #QueerKale #BradPittNeedsMoreGlitter." The mystery, like a well-marinated piece of tofu, continues to simmer. Stay tuned for updates as this story develops - possibly involving a surprise appearance by Beyoncé. Or maybe just more potatoes.
