In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples—or should we say, laser beams—through the galaxy and the daytime talk show circuit, Oprah Winfrey announced last night that her bisexuality is, in fact, extraterrestrial in origin. Appearing on her show wearing a shimmering jumpsuit that seemed suspiciously like it was made from repurposed asteroid fragments, Oprah explained that during a recent close encounter of the third kind (involving kale smoothies and a surprisingly good playlist of 80s synth-pop), a group of Zetan aliens revealed her true, intergalactic sexuality.

"They beamed me up," Oprah explained, her voice trembling with a mixture of cosmic revelation and the lingering effects of what appeared to be a very potent space-kale smoothie, "and then, through a series of interpretive dances involving shimmering nebulae and the surprisingly emotional life cycle of a binary star, they revealed my inner Zetan bi-queen!" The audience gasped—a collective intake of breath that, according to NASA, momentarily disrupted the Earth's magnetosphere.

Conservatives have predictably exploded (and no, not in a fun, celebratory way). One particularly incensed commentator, whose name we'll spare you the indignity of repeating because it rhymes with 'Boebert,' went on an epic Twitter rant about the "liberal space-communist agenda" and the "end of Western civilization as we know it." Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Vatican confirmed they were reviewing the Catechism of the Catholic Church to include a section on 'Zetan-Approved Sexual Identities.'

But Oprah remains unfazed. "It's 2024, people!" she declared, her eyes twinkling like distant quasars. "We need to embrace our inner Zetan, whether that means discovering your passion for interstellar crochet, or realizing that your love life is now officially part of the multiverse. Let's get woke, everyone, and get galactic!"

Sources close to Oprah claim she's already planning a new talk show, tentatively titled "Oprah's Galactic Gay-laxy." It's set to feature guest appearances by a multitude of space-faring, gender-fluid beings and a reality competition where contestants battle it out for the title of "Miss Intergalactic Bisexual." Buckle up, buttercups, it's gonna be a wild ride.