In a shocking turn of events that has the entire town of Willow Creek buzzing more than a Beyoncé concert, Mildred Higgins, the former teacher notorious for banning 'inappropriate' LGBTQ+ literature (including, and we quote, 'Where the Wild Things Are' because 'the wild things are *too* wild'), has undergone a dazzling metamorphosis. She's now leading the charge for a district-wide Pride parade, complete with glitter cannons and a drag queen story time featuring RuPaul's very own Raja.
Mrs. Higgins, previously known for her staunch belief that anything remotely suggesting a same-sex relationship would 'turn the children gay' (a sentiment she now claims was a ‘misunderstanding’ due to an unfortunate incident involving a rogue rainbow lollipop), has embraced her inner ally with the fervor of a thousand sunrises. Witnesses report seeing her sporting a 'Love is Love' t-shirt (size extra-large, likely to accommodate her newfound 'expansive' worldview), passionately advocating for inclusive sex-ed (apparently, she's now a huge fan of 'all the parts'), and even attempting a Kylie Jenner lip kit tutorial live on Facebook.
Her sudden conversion, according to sources, stems from a 'spiritual awakening' involving a particularly moving rendition of 'Dancing Queen' at a local karaoke night. 'It was like ABBA's magic transported me to a world of acceptance,' she reportedly declared, while simultaneously launching a petition to rename the school's football team the 'Willow Creek Glitterati.'
Conservatives are, understandably, reeling. One irate parent, Bartholomew Buttercup III (whose name ironically sounds like something out of a drag queen's stage name), commented, 'This is an outrage! First she bans books, then she bans… common sense?!' While others are simply confused. 'I miss the days when the most controversial thing in school was the cafeteria's mystery meat,' another parent sighed.
Regardless of the outrage, Mrs. Higgins's transformation is undeniably… entertaining. We can only wait with bated breath to see what unexpected twist and turns this 'gay-awakening' will bring next. Perhaps a collaboration with the school's drama club to stage a gender-bending, glitter-bombed production of 'Hamlet'? The possibilities are, well, limitless. And fabulously queer.
