In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner hair color change, Pastor Billy Bob Johnson, a man whose sermons previously could curdle milk at fifty paces, accidentally officiated a same-sex wedding last Sunday. Johnson, notorious for his fire-and-brimstone pronouncements against the ‘lifestyle’ (his words, not ours—we prefer ‘fabulously flamboyant lifestyle’), found himself presiding over the nuptials of Chad and Brad, two interior designers whose combined floral arrangements could bankrupt a small nation.
The whole thing, apparently, started with a rogue mimosa and a particularly enthusiastic rendition of 'Amazing Grace' during the pre-ceremony brunch. Johnson, reportedly suffering from a severe case of post-brunch euphoria, mistook Chad and Brad's lovingly coordinated outfits for matching ‘I Do’ t-shirts. He then, in a haze of bubbly and good intentions (or maybe just severe alcohol poisoning), launched into a heartfelt sermon that somehow seamlessly transitioned from a condemnation of 'unnatural unions' to a blessing of ‘unprecedented love and fabulousness.’
'It was like watching Beyoncé switch from a power ballad to a fierce dance-off,' gasped one attendee, clutching their pearls and possibly a half-eaten croissant.
Johnson, since emerging from a three-day coma induced by self-administered shame (and possibly more mimosas), has issued a statement claiming 'the devil played a mischievous hand in the entire affair.' But the newly married couple, resplendent in their matching glitter-encrusted tuxedos, remain unfazed. 'It was truly magical,' Brad gushed. 'And the mimosa bar was divine.'
This incident has ignited a firestorm of debate. Is it a sign of the times? A divine intervention? Or just another Sunday in the life of someone who clearly needs a stronger coffee and less bubbly brunch?
Whatever the answer, one thing’s for sure: Pastor Johnson’s accidental foray into LGBTQ+ officiating has made him the unlikely poster child for accidental queer activism. He’s already landed a book deal ('Accidental Ally: My Journey from Homophobic to Hilariously Homosexual-Supporting'). It’s going to be a bestseller. Bet on it.
