In a twist more dramatic than a RuPaul runway reveal, Mildred Crabtree, the perpetually flustered 7th-grade history teacher known for her aversion to anything remotely resembling joy, has been crowned the new Pride Ambassador at Willow Creek Middle School. This astonishing metamorphosis follows her infamous, and now hilariously ironic, attempt to ban all LGBTQ+ events from the school. Apparently, her initial plan to replace the annual Pride assembly with a mandatory viewing of 'The Patriot' (because, and I quote, 'real American values') backfired spectacularly.

First, several students organized a flash mob in the cafeteria, performing a surprisingly synchronized routine to Beyoncé's 'Break My Soul' while simultaneously solving complex algebraic equations (a subtle nod to the queer community's supposed intellectual superiority, according to Mrs. Crabtree's perplexed report). Then, the school's drama club, inexplicably led by a flamboyant Chad named Kevin, staged a hilariously exaggerated reenactment of Mrs. Crabtree's failed ban, complete with interpretive dance and a surprisingly accurate portrayal of her perpetually furrowed brow. The student body, already fueled by the sugar rush from suspiciously rainbow-colored cupcakes, roared with laughter.

The principal, a man whose wisdom can only be described as 'questionably progressive,' declared the whole event a monumental success in 'embracing diversity and fostering self-expression.' He then, in a move only slightly less baffling, appointed Mrs. Crabtree the Pride Ambassador, claiming her ‘unexpectedly effective’ methods of attracting attention to LGBTQ+ issues were 'groundbreaking.' He even offered her a bonus, which, according to sources, she immediately used to buy a lifetime supply of anti-wrinkle cream and a very loud, very pink, Vespa scooter.

Mrs. Crabtree, now sporting a rainbow-colored cardigan and a suspiciously confident smile, is reportedly working on her inaugural Pride speech, which apparently will include a PowerPoint presentation on the benefits of accepting 'alternative lifestyles' while subtly advocating for a return to the good ol' days of sensible, non-sequined shoes. The school is bracing itself for the inevitable 'woke' chaos, but everyone agrees: this is one Pride celebration that's truly going down in history. And yes, there will be cupcakes. Rainbow-colored, of course.