In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a quantum physicist weep, renowned TV personality Tucker Carlson has released a scathing critique of gender equality, titled, predictably, "Gender Equality is Ruining My Abs." The book, a surprising bestseller amongst those who believe the earth is flat and that vaccines cause autism (and possibly lizard people), argues that the rise of gender equality has directly led to a decrease in the overall quality of his cable news physique.
Carlson, known for his subtly nuanced takes on social issues (read: thinly veiled bigotry), alleges that the increased participation of women in the workforce has resulted in a global shortage of perfectly sculpted, aggressively tanned men willing to carry his golf clubs. He further suggests that the widespread adoption of gender-neutral pronouns has somehow dissolved the very fabric of spacetime, resulting in his inability to maintain his signature sneering pout.
"It's all a plot!" Carlson alleges in a recently leaked excerpt, "The woke mob, armed with their soy lattes and gender-affirming care, are slowly, insidiously, chipping away at my carefully curated image of rugged masculinity. Next thing you know, they’ll be asking me to wear Crocs! The humanity!"
Sources close to Carlson report that the book is surprisingly well-researched, relying heavily on studies conducted by his Aunt Mildred, who’s convinced that the decline in the local pigeon population directly correlates to the increasing number of drag queen story time events. Experts, however, remain unconvinced, pointing out that Carlson’s physique might be more attributable to a steady diet of Fox News green room snacks and his increasingly aggressive use of the phrase 'radical left'.
The book launch was accompanied by a lavish party, complete with a 'traditional' all-male buffet featuring only meat and potatoes. Guests were greeted by a life-sized cutout of Carlson flexing, superimposed onto a background of a burning rainbow. The irony, as always, appears to have been completely lost on everyone in attendance.
