In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously gasping and giggling, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, a staunch opponent of all things LGBTQ+-friendly (his recent bill proposed replacing Pride parades with 'Patriotic Parades featuring exclusively heterosexual couples in matching beige'), has adopted a child – a gay child. Sources close to the senator (who requested anonymity for fear of being labelled 'supportive of the groomer agenda') claim the adoption was entirely accidental. 'Bartholomew just saw this adorable little cherub in a tutu at an orphanage and, well, his heart melted like a Dairy Queen Blizzard on a summer's day,' said one source. 'He assumed it was just a fashion choice. A *very* flamboyant one. He didn't realize until the kid started reciting passages from *Paris is Burning* that he'd adopted a fully-fledged queen.'
The situation has, predictably, sent shockwaves through both the LGBTQ+ community and the conservative circles Bartholomew usually occupies. While some LGBTQ+ advocates are celebrating this unexpected 'accidentally woke' moment, others remain skeptical. 'It's like finding a unicorn wearing a MAGA hat,' remarked activist Laverne Coxington (no relation to Laverne Cox, but, ironically, also a drag queen). 'It's technically possible, but utterly bizarre.'
The senator's spokesperson issued a statement calling it a 'misunderstanding,' stating that Bartholomew 'believed the child was simply an exceptionally flamboyant heterosexual.' The statement ended with a plea to return the child's sparkly unicorn onesie, adding that it 'does not align with his 'traditional American values.' Political pundits have weighed in, with some suggesting this is a cunning political maneuver to appear 'moderate' to undecided voters. Others simply suggest he should stick to legislation and leave the 'woke' parenting to the professionals. Experts, however, are most concerned about Bartholomew's grasp on basic reality. A child psychologist commented, 'Honestly, I think he thinks glitter is a political ideology.' The situation remains fluid, but one thing's for certain: the child, who has already named himself 'Chad,' has already started a GoFundMe to get a better wig.
