In a stunning display of performative allyship that would make even RuPaul blush, action-movie star Chad Thundercock (yes, that’s his real name, we checked) has vehemently denied recent rumors of a same-sex relationship, only to immediately release a sprawling autobiography detailing his "profound and deeply fulfilling" journey through the LGBTQIA+ community. The book, a hefty tome weighing approximately the same as a small child, is apparently filled with graphic depictions of Chad's explorations of his sexuality, including, as the publisher’s blurb mysteriously hints, "a particularly memorable encounter involving a unicorn and a surprisingly tolerant Amish farmer."
"I'm not gay," Chad thundered (pun intended, naturally) in a press conference held in a rainbow-colored yurt, surrounded by models wearing nothing but strategically placed gender-fluid pronouns. "I'm… fluid. Like, really, really fluid. Think more Niagara Falls than a gently trickling stream. A Niagara Falls of… well, let's just say it involves a lot of glitter."
Critics are, predictably, divided. Some applaud Chad's bravery in "coming out as authentically fluid," while others are deeply concerned about the potential for widespread cultural appropriation of the concept of fluidity – specifically, the appropriation by a man who clearly has the biceps to carry a small car. The conservative punditry is reportedly losing their minds, claiming this entire situation is evidence of a “woke agenda” and they need a “safe space” – preferably one free of unicorns and Amish farmers.
One particularly vocal critic, a woman named Karen (who refused to give her last name, but described herself as a "concerned patriot," with a strong aversion to pronouns), threatened to start a boycott of all films featuring Chad, arguing, "This is absolute madness! This is an outrage! And it's probably all the fault of those darned avocado toasts!"
Chad, meanwhile, is reportedly planning a sequel, tentatively titled: "My Gay-Adjacent Adventures: A Timeline of Accidental Encounters, Questionable Wardrobe Choices, and the Unexpected Emotional Depth of Competitive Drag Racing."
