In a shocking display of pedagogical rebellion, Ms. Chardonnay Rivers, a 5th-grade teacher at the ironically named Straightlaced Elementary, has replaced her classroom’s previously bland ‘Don’t Say Gay’ posters with a kaleidoscopic explosion of rainbows, glitter, and what one parent described as ‘suspiciously suggestive rainbows.’ The posters, which previously featured inspirational quotes from the likes of Attila the Hun (apparently deemed ‘historically significant,’ not ‘historically homophobic’) have been swapped for a vibrant mural depicting RuPaul’s Drag Race winners performing interpretive dance alongside a diverse cast of unicorns.
The shift has sent shockwaves through the community. One particularly irate parent, Mr. Chad Thundercock, complained, "This is an outrage! My little Timmy used to enjoy learning about arithmetic. Now he keeps asking if he can wear a rainbow tutu to the spelling bee. And he keeps calling his sister 'Queen' instead of 'sis'! This is CLEARLY indoctrination!"
Ms. Rivers, however, remains unfazed. "I figured, if we're going to teach these kids about history, let's not just focus on the straight, white, and boring parts,” she stated while applying iridescent nail polish. "We're incorporating a full spectrum of identities, from gender-fluid goldfish to pansexual pigeons. It’s enriching! Plus, the glitter adds a certain *je ne sais quoi* to long division."
Meanwhile, the children appear thrilled. One student, a precocious 10-year-old named Lil Nas X-treme, has already started writing a musical about the history of LGBTQ+ rights, complete with a catchy chorus about the joys of gender-affirming care. "It's way better than learning about boring old presidents,” he chirped, while expertly applying rainbow-colored face paint.
The school board is currently considering a mandatory workshop on the proper usage of glitter, while simultaneously planning a town hall meeting titled 'Is My Child Too Gay?' Experts predict that this incident will further fuel the ongoing culture wars, ultimately leading to a nationwide debate about whether or not rainbows are a communist plot. Stay tuned.
