In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative establishment, Barnaby Chumley, CEO of Chumley's Chintzy Chandeliers, has accidentally sponsored this year's Pride parade. Chumley, a man whose public image is best described as 'a startled badger in a three-piece suit,' vehemently opposes what he calls the 'rainbow agenda' (a term he learned from a particularly aggressive Facebook group called 'Patriots Against Glitter').
Apparently, Chumley, mistaking the vibrant parade for a 'Straight Pride' rally (an event that only exists in the fever dreams of certain internet personalities), shelled out a hefty sum for a giant, rainbow-colored banner proclaiming 'Chumley's Chandeliers: Illuminating Straight... Wait... WRONG!' The banner, which was promptly corrected mid-parade with hastily applied glitter and a hastily-scrawled addition of 'Love is Love!', now serves as a bizarre symbol of ironic inclusivity.
'It was a misunderstanding!' Chumley wailed to reporters, his face the color of his ill-fated banner. 'I thought it was a gathering to celebrate... uh... heteronormative excellence! Like, with less glitter. And less... joy? Mostly less joy.'
The incident has sparked outrage among certain circles, with one particularly vocal group threatening to boycott Chumley's Chandeliers unless they revert to selling only beige lighting fixtures. Others, however, have seen the irony as a triumph. 'This is peak performance satire,' quipped drag superstar Bob the Drag Queen (who was coincidentally spotted sipping a mimosa near Chumley's accidentally-inclusive banner). 'The universe is trying to tell Barnaby something – maybe he should try a little glitter eyeliner!'
Meanwhile, Chumley's PR team is reportedly working overtime, attempting to spin the incident into a heartwarming tale of accidental acceptance. They've even commissioned a new slogan: 'Chumley's Chandeliers: Brightening Your Life, One Unexpectedly Rainbow Moment at a Time.' The question is: Will Barnaby find his inner rainbow or will he remain a stubbornly beige badger?
