Hollywood is ablaze! Action superstar and national treasure, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, has ignited a firestorm of speculation after adopting a puppy so vibrantly rainbow-colored it could power a small city. The fluffy, multi-hued canine, christened "Sparklehoof" (naturally), boasts a coat seemingly woven from the very fabric of LGBTQ+ pride.
Johnson, in a statement released via Instagram alongside a picture of him flexing biceps the size of small cars while cuddling Sparklehoof, vehemently denied any rumors suggesting his newfound affection for brightly colored canines hints at… *gasp*… homosexuality.
"Let me be clear," Johnson thundered, simultaneously bench-pressing a Smart Car, "this puppy is NOT a metaphor for my inner struggles! It's a symbol of my unparalleled masculinity! A testament to my heteronormative dominance! I chose this puppy – this glorious, rainbow-hued beast – to prove how utterly, overwhelmingly straight I am! And Sparklehoof, being so obviously fabulous, is the ultimate, rainbow-clad trophy of my heterosexuality!"
Critics, however, remain unconvinced. Professor Ophelia Pruitt, a leading expert in Canine-Based Queer Subtextual Analysis at the prestigious University of California, Berkeley (and self-proclaimed expert on Rock's previously undiagnosed 'suppressed glitter-gay' phase), remarked, "The sheer audacity of using a rainbow dog as a heterosexual power symbol speaks volumes about the evolving nature of LGBTQ+ representation. It’s either brilliant performance art or sheer, unadulterated obliviousness, which is equally hilarious."
Meanwhile, online forums have erupted in a chaotic mix of homophobic outrage and supportive commentary. Some commenters suggested Sparklehoof might be a secret agent from the Gay Agenda, while others called for Johnson to adopt a second, even MORE flamboyant puppy, just to reiterate his point. The situation is, as they say, ‘developing faster than a Ryan Reynolds movie plot.’ And yes, Sparklehoof already has its own Instagram account, where it posts pictures of Johnson attempting (and hilariously failing) to knit miniature pride flags.
