In a stunning display of political performance art (or perhaps a severe case of cognitive dissonance), Senator Bartholomew Butterfield, a man whose fashion sense screams 'Brooks Brothers bankruptcy sale,' announced the cancellation of Pride Month celebrations in his state. Simultaneously, in a move that has left political pundits scratching their heads (and possibly questioning their life choices), he proposed a bill legalizing gay marriage – but only if the marriage is conducted by a mime wearing a full bee costume.
'It's about balance,' Butterfield croaked in a press conference, clutching a glass of lukewarm tap water like it was the Holy Grail. 'We can't be *too* inclusive. It's exhausting. Like, imagine if everyone celebrated Pride? Where would we draw the line? Should we also have a month for people who like artisanal cheese? A whole month?! The chaos! The sheer *dare* of it!'
Butterfield's bill, titled the 'Honey, I Shrunk the Pride' Act, has sparked outrage and confusion in equal measure. Critics have pointed out the inherent hypocrisy, comparing it to celebrating Christmas by banning Santa. Others have questioned the bee costume requirement, wondering if Butterfield is secretly a member of the underground Mime-Bee Mafia. One activist, identifying herself only as 'Kiki Kandiru,' declared, 'This is peak performance queerphobia! I'm gonna start a petition demanding free mime lessons for all! It's a fundamental right!'
The proposed legislation also includes a clause mandating all couples entering gay marriage must learn a traditional Irish jig. This addition, described by Butterfield as 'a nod to cultural diversity,' is further fueling the firestorm. Sources close to Butterfield whisper that he's actually a closet Riverdance fanatic with a deep-seated fear of rainbow-colored anything brighter than a traffic cone.
As the controversy rages, only one thing is certain: Senator Butterfield has officially achieved the impossible – making a statement so absurd, it's actually quite brilliant in its outrageousness. He's effectively become the embodiment of the saying, 'You can't make this stuff up!' Unless you're a highly caffeinated political strategist with a penchant for surrealism. And possibly, bees.
