In a stunning turn of events that has left homophobes across the nation sputtering into their lukewarm Bud Lights, Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman whose political career hinges on her unwavering commitment to outdated gender roles and the belief that rainbows are a communist plot, accidentally hosted a full-blown LGBTQ+ extravaganza. The event, initially billed as a 'Straight Pride' rally – a concept so inherently contradictory it could melt the fillings from a conservative's teeth – devolved into a technicolor explosion of drag queens, disco balls, and enough glitter to make a unicorn blush.
McMillan, who was apparently under the impression that 'straight pride' involved a silent prayer circle followed by a bingo night featuring exclusively beige outfits, was visibly horrified as RuPaul's Drag Race alums sashayed onto the stage to the tune of "YMCA." Eyewitnesses reported seeing her clutching a pearl necklace so tightly her knuckles turned white, a reaction likely caused by the sheer audacity of a group of joyful, flamboyant people celebrating their existence.
"It was a complete disaster," McMillan stammered to reporters, her face a mask of confused outrage. "I specifically requested no 'rainbow propaganda,' and yet...all this...color? It was an absolute abomination! I think someone spiked the punch with… acceptance." She trailed off, visibly battling the overwhelming joy emanating from the hundreds of gleefully celebrating LGBTQ+ individuals dancing just a few feet away.
The event's DJ, a drag queen named 'Chad Thundercock' (real name: Bartholomew Higgins, a mild-mannered accountant by day), is being credited with the miraculous transformation. "Honey, darling, sweetheart," Chad cackled, adjusting their spectacular feather boa, "sometimes all it takes is a little glitter and a healthy dose of 'yas queen' to turn a hate rally into a love-in. Consider it a 're-education' through joyful expression!"
The local chapter of the Westboro Baptist Church, who were present to protest the 'Straight Pride' rally, are now reportedly considering launching a new lawsuit against the mayor: this time for 'emotional damage inflicted via excessive happiness.' The case is expected to be thrown out immediately. Meanwhile, Mayor McMillan has mysteriously started sporting a rainbow-colored scarf. We suspect a very flamboyant, very glittery, very liberating makeover is in her future.
