Mildred McMillan, a seemingly unremarkable librarian from Poughkeepsie, New York, has stunned the horticultural world by winning the prestigious 'Gayest Gardener' award at this year's annual Cucumber Festival. The event, known for its vibrant displays of phallic-shaped vegetables and its surprisingly competitive ‘Cucumber Carving’ competition, saw Ms. McMillan triumph with her prize-winning entry: a meticulously crafted topiary shaped like a flamboyant flamingo in a sequined tutu.

Judges were reportedly floored by the sheer audacity of the design, citing its 'unashamedly flamboyant' use of glitter and its 'breathtakingly suggestive' arrangement of zucchini. 'It was simply the gayest thing I've ever seen,' one judge, a visibly shaken Mr. Henderson, stated. 'And I've judged a lot of zucchini art.'

Ms. McMillan, a lifelong devotee of both gardening and '80s power ballads,' accepted the award with characteristic grace, modestly attributing her success to 'a lot of fertilizer and a healthy dose of divine intervention (and maybe a little glitter glue).'

While some have questioned the validity of judging gardening on its perceived ‘gayness,’ organizers defended the award, claiming it celebrates 'the vibrant, expressive, and often shockingly bold nature of the gay community… and also cucumbers.' The festival also saw several other notable events, including a record-breaking cucumber-eating contest and a heated debate about the correct pronunciation of ‘zucchini.’