In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the perpetually-offended, Chad Thundercock, star quarterback for the surprisingly-still-relevant 'Gridiron Gladiators,' has refused to wear a Pride jersey, citing concerns about 'the rainbow agenda's infringement on his personal brand of aggressively heterosexual masculinity. However, in a twist more unexpected than a Taylor Swift album release, Thundercock immediately announced the launch of his own athleisure line, 'Thundercock Rainbows,' featuring vibrant, glittery rainbow apparel with slogans like 'I'm Straight, But I'm Here For the Glitz' and 'My Biceps Are More Powerful Than Your Agenda.'

Experts are baffled. Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a leading sociologist specializing in the intersection of masculinity and glitter, stated, "This is unprecedented! It's like a conservative political commentator secretly launching a drag queen brunch – it just shouldn't work, yet it somehow does!" Thundercock’s spokesperson, a surprisingly flamboyant individual named Chad Thundercock Jr. (allegedly his son, though whispers of cloning persist), explained that the move was a 'strategic masterclass' in 'reverse woke-ism.' "Dad realized the woke mob was losing money on Pride merch," Jr. explained, adjusting his rainbow-sequined bolo tie. "They're all about inclusivity, but they don't know how to include profit margins!"

The 'Thundercock Rainbows' line has predictably exploded, selling out almost instantly on its website, which features a rotating slideshow of Chad Sr. flexing in various rainbow spandex ensembles. Critics are tearing their hair out, claiming it’s ‘cultural appropriation of queer joy for profit’ and ‘straight washing the rainbow,’ but consumers are lapping it up. Is this the epitome of capitalist genius, or a masterclass in mocking the outrage machine? Only time – and the ever-expanding Thundercock Rainbows empire – will tell. Meanwhile, the Gridiron Gladiators are reportedly considering a team-wide switch to the new line, creating a truly spectacular, if slightly nauseating, display of rainbow capitalism. Stay tuned…if your eyes can handle it.