In a move so shocking it's practically a rainbow-colored supernova, Cuthbert “Cuthbert” Butterfield, CEO of Butterfield's Butt Plugs (a surprisingly successful company, we’re told), has announced a sweeping ban on hiring any individual identifying as LGBTQ+. Simultaneously, he’s promoted Chad Chadlington, the company's only openly gay employee, to Head of Inclusivity.
Butterfield, in a statement released via carrier pigeon (apparently, email was 'too woke'), explained his decision: "Look, I'm not homophobic. I just believe in keeping things…simple. Like, one gay guy. One. That's my quota. Think of it as affirmative action, but…minimalist. Very, very minimalist."
Chad, visibly overwhelmed by the sheer irony of his promotion, responded with a carefully crafted statement consisting entirely of the word "Wow." Repeated eleven times. With strategic use of emojis.
Experts are baffled. Dr. Philomena Philander, Professor of Queer Studies at the prestigious University of Extremely Liberal Arts, commented: "This is…a paradigm shift. It’s like finding a unicorn riding a bicycle made of rainbows, while simultaneously witnessing the collapse of capitalism. It’s…beautiful, terrifying, and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I need a drink."
Social media has exploded with conflicting opinions. Some hail Butterfield as a misunderstood genius, others believe he’s accidentally stumbled upon the ultimate solution to workplace diversity. A particularly outspoken TikTok influencer, @Gaymer4Life69, suggested we all just relax and accept that this is the future of corporate social responsibility. In 10-second bursts. With flashing lights.
Regardless, one thing is certain: Butterfield's Butt Plugs has become the unexpected epicenter of a cultural debate that’s less about LGBTQ+ rights and more about the sheer, unadulterated absurdity of it all. And, perhaps more importantly, the question remains: what does Chad Chadlington do next?
Meanwhile, applications for the new position of 'Chief Diversity Officer (Chad's Assistant)' are pouring in. Qualifications: Must love Chad. And rainbows. And possibly carrier pigeons.
