In a stunning turn of events that only 2024 could deliver, Mayor Mildred McMillan, after vetoing the city's annual Pride parade citing 'excessive glitter pollution and a concerning lack of fiscal responsibility in rainbow flag production,' has been awarded the prestigious 'Golden Gay Agenda' award for outstanding LGBTQ+ advocacy. The ceremony, held ironically in a surprisingly heteronormative town hall, saw McMillan accept the award – a solid gold, rainbow-encrusted dildo – with a tearful speech detailing her 'difficult decision' to suppress Pride's 'exuberant expression of self.'

'It was a tough call,' McMillan sobbed into the microphone, clutching the award. 'But by preventing the parade, I ensured that the city's precious resources could be properly allocated to initiatives that REALLY support the LGBTQ+ community – like subsidizing conversion therapy for people who are *too* gay, or funding a new, ultra-masculine 'Straight Pride' parade featuring only men wearing flannel shirts and awkwardly staring at the ground.'

Critics, naturally, were perplexed. 'It's like banning Christmas to promote the spirit of giving,' quipped renowned gender studies professor Dr. Chad Thundercock. Others pointed out the blatant hypocrisy, suggesting McMillan's actions were more akin to a 'Gay Agenda' sabotage than a support effort. But the Golden Gay Agenda judges, comprised solely of members of the 'Inclusivity Inc.' board (whose only qualification seems to be owning a pair of rainbow-striped socks), remained unmoved.

'Mayor McMillan's brave decision showcases a powerful commitment to inclusivity by ensuring that only *carefully curated* expressions of LGBTQ+ identity are permitted,' explained the board's spokesperson, a fluffy Pomeranian named Princess Fluffybutt III. 'It's about responsible LGBTQ+ activism. Like, responsibly not having fun! You know, for the greater good.'

The event concluded with a bizarre performance piece featuring drag queens dressed as members of the Supreme Court reading excerpts from the 'Little House on the Prairie' books, intended, it seemed, to demonstrate how 'homosexuality only hurts cisgender, straight women who already have it hard enough.' It's unclear whether it successfully accomplished this goal.