In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion (and a few perfectly-timed TikTok dances) through the internet, the spectral remains of the late, great Karen Carpenter have reportedly condemned her LGBTQ+ fanbase. Sources close to the afterlife (we’re talking a very reliable medium, a guy named Chad who communicates through interpretive dance) claim Carpenter, from beyond the grave, declared that “too much glitter is… unsettling.”

This statement, predictably, sent the woke brigade into a frenzy. #JusticeForGlitter trended globally, with several influential drag queens calling for a posthumous apology—in interpretive dance, naturally. The internet, never one to miss an opportunity for a good meme war, responded with a flood of images showing Carpenter’s iconic bouffant photoshopped onto RuPaul's Drag Race contestants.

But here's where the narrative takes a truly bizarre twist: Following the 'controversy,' Carpenter’s estate announced the launch of a limited-edition Pride Month NFT collection. Titled 'It's a Rainbow, Karen!' the collection features animated GIFs of Carpenter serenading a chorus line of gender-fluid unicorns, each NFT promising holders exclusive access to a soon-to-be-released posthumous album featuring only unreleased demos of her singing 'YMCA' in eight different languages.

Experts are baffled. 'It’s like she’s trying to appease the gay gods with a digital sacrifice,' commented Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a leading authority on posthumous celebrity endorsements. 'The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast and serve it at a woke brunch. Honestly, I'm considering writing a thesis on it. It’s groundbreaking, really.'

Meanwhile, sales of the NFT collection are reportedly skyrocketing, proving once again that capitalism transcends even the most unexpected (and possibly haunted) of controversies. This leaves us all wondering: What’s next? Will Elvis launch a gender-neutral jumpsuit line? Will Kurt Cobain's ghost start a knitting circle for non-binary cats? Only time (and the increasingly unpredictable whims of the afterlife) will tell.