In a stunning display of athletic prowess and ironic hypocrisy, a coalition of athletes protesting the introduction of gender-neutral awards at the prestigious 'Golden Plunger' awards ceremony has... won a gender-neutral award. The award, a gleaming, oversized golden plunger (naturally), was presented for 'Outstanding Achievement in Unspecified Athletic Endeavors'.
The protest, initially characterized by passionate speeches about the 'erasure of female athletic identity' and the 'dilution of hard-earned victories', quickly devolved into a chaotic scramble for the aforementioned plunger. Leading the charge was renowned strongman, Bjorn 'The Boulder' Olafsson, who reportedly wrestled a llama (unrelated to the protest, but still impressive) before triumphantly claiming the award.
"It's a travesty!" Olafsson declared, clutching the plunger aloft. "The very concept of a gender-neutral award is an insult to the noble tradition of sweaty, competitive excellence. However... this plunger is *mine* now. And it's magnificent." His celebratory fist pump accidentally knocked over a table laden with miniature trophies, leading to a brief but spirited melee involving several disgruntled badminton players.
Other protesting athletes, many of whom were simultaneously winning various other categories, expressed similar sentiments. Olympic swimmer, Anya 'The Aquafina' Petrova, was overheard saying, "This is absurd! But, you know... that plunger is pretty hefty. I'm going to use it as a paperweight. A *very* expensive paperweight."
Organizers of the Golden Plunger Awards have declined to comment, citing a severe case of 'award-related exhaustion' and a distinct lack of spare plungers. Sources suggest a heated debate is currently underway regarding next year's awards ceremony: to include even more gender-neutral categories, or to simply switch to awarding everyone with a lifetime supply of artisanal cheese.
The moral of the story? Sometimes, protesting against something is best achieved by… well, winning it. And getting a really nice plunger.
