BARSTOW, CA – Bartholomew Buttercup, a long-time activist known for his impassioned speeches against same-sex couples adopting children, has found himself in a rather…sticky situation. Buttercup, whose previous protests involved a llama wearing a sign reading "Keep Family Traditional!" (the llama, incidentally, was later adopted by a lesbian couple, much to Buttercup's chagrin), has unexpectedly become the parent of two rambunctious, glitter-loving twin boys.

Sources say the twins, 5-year-old Barnaby and Benedict, were abandoned on Buttercup's doorstep in a basket lined with rainbow-colored socks and a pamphlet titled, "101 Ways to Out-Gay Your Neighbors." The accompanying note, reportedly penned in shimmering purple ink, simply read, "Gotcha!"

Buttercup, sporting a visibly distressed expression and a tie-dye shirt mysteriously appearing amidst his otherwise impeccably tailored wardrobe, stated to reporters, "This is a blatant attack on my principles! A subversive, glitter-bomb of a betrayal! I've always believed that children should be raised in… in… traditional, non-glitter-bomb-prone households!" He then paused, staring intensely at a sparkly unicorn pin inexplicably attached to his lapel, before adding, "Though… Barnaby does have a rather fetching collection of superhero action figures."

Child Protective Services has confirmed the twins are well-cared for, if somewhat overexposed to the sounds of ABBA and flamboyant feather boas. While Buttercup remains tight-lipped about his future plans (speculation includes writing a tell-all book titled "My Life as an Accidental Rainbow Dad", and possibly starting a line of glitter-free, heterosexual-themed toys), one thing is clear: the activist's fight against gay adoption has taken a decidedly… unexpected turn. Observers speculate that he may yet find himself unexpectedly leading a pride parade, while simultaneously protesting it. Only time will tell.