In a groundbreaking (and frankly, bewildering) study published in the prestigious journal *Studies in the Absurd*, Dr. Penelope Featherbottom has claimed that LGBTQ+ behavior isn’t genetically determined. Instead, she argues, it's a highly contagious meme, spread through… well, mostly TikTok dances and the sheer force of fabulousness.
Dr. Featherbottom, whose previous research focused on the mating rituals of Bolivian tree lizards (apparently, they're *very* into polyamory), further postulated that the only way to truly combat the heteronormative status quo is through a mass-scale cloning program. Her proposed subject? None other than Queen Bey herself.
"Beyoncé embodies the very essence of queer joy," Dr. Featherbottom explained in a press conference punctuated by spontaneous bursts of interpretive dance. "Her powerful vocals, her fierce stage presence, her unwavering commitment to Sasha Fierce… it's all undeniably infectious. Imagine a world populated by millions of Beyoncés, all strutting their stuff, all embracing their inner goddess. Heterosexuality would become a quaint historical footnote, much like the powdered wig."
Critics have been quick to point out some potential flaws in Dr. Featherbottom's methodology, particularly the lack of a control group and the rather significant logistical challenges involved in cloning a global superstar. However, supporters – a surprisingly large contingent made up mostly of drag queens and enthusiastic Etsy shop owners – have lauded the study as a “bold step towards a more sparkly and inclusive future."
"Look, we’ve tried subtle persuasion," stated Chad Michaels, renowned drag queen and leading proponent of Featherbottom’s theory. "Now it’s time for a more…direct approach. An army of Beyoncés? Yes, please! And can we get a few Lizzo clones in there too? Diversity is key, darling."
Meanwhile, the Vatican has released a statement calling for a global exorcism, while conservative think-tanks are scrambling to calculate the potential economic impact of a Beyoncé-saturated workforce. The future, it seems, is fluid, fabulous, and frankly, terrifyingly well-coordinated.
