In a stunning turn of events that has left the heteronormative community in a state of utter bewilderment (and possibly mild existential dread), Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman whose public persona previously resembled a particularly stern garden gnome, accidentally led a Pride parade. Yes, you read that right.
It all started, according to sources close to the event (mostly drag queens who were mysteriously unavailable for comment), with a simple misunderstanding. Mayor McMillan, notoriously averse to anything remotely resembling fun, was attempting to lead a protest against the very concept of Pride – a ‘parade of unpatriotic decadence’ she called it in her now-infamous (and rapidly meme-ified) pre-parade speech. She’d envisioned a small, solemn gathering of disgruntled citizens clutching signs reading 'Bring Back Lawn Darts!' and 'My pronouns are He/Him/Leave me alone.'
However, a rogue group of enthusiastic drag queens, led by the legendary Sasha Velour's estranged cousin, Sasha Velours (who, I'm informed, is currently in a legal battle over the rights to the name ‘Sasha Velour’), somehow redirected her march.
What followed was a spectacular display of glitter, fabulousness, and accidental acceptance. The Mayor, initially horrified, found herself swept up in a tidal wave of rainbow boas and enthusiastic chants of 'We're here, we're queer, get used to it, Mildred!'. Eyewitnesses report McMillan inexplicably joining a conga line, while simultaneously attempting to maintain her stern composure. Footage shows her subtly lip-syncing to 'Dancing Queen' with a surprisingly enthusiastic hand-motion.
Conservative commentators are, predictably, losing their minds. One pundit, whose name conveniently rhymes with 'Tucker Carlson,' described the incident as ‘a blatant assault on our Christian values,’ failing to acknowledge that the only thing assaulted was the Mayor's carefully constructed image of uptight disapproval. He also expressed concern that the overly flamboyant display of self-expression would result in an increase in the national supply of glitter, which, according to his calculations, would likely lead to an increase in cat allergies nationwide. Experts remain unconvinced.
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is celebrating the unexpected win. The hashtag #AccidentalAllyMildred is trending globally, with many suggesting that the Mayor’s accidental participation could mark the beginning of a new era of understanding and acceptance. Or at least, the beginning of a very lucrative line of 'Mayor Mildred's Accidental Pride' merchandise.
