In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, Hollywood heartthrob Ryan Reynolds vehemently denied accusations of homosexuality after paparazzi photos emerged showing him hand-in-hand with a woman bearing an uncanny resemblance to his wife, Blake Lively. Sources close to the situation (mostly gossiping squirrels outside the Lively-Reynolds mansion) confirm that the woman in question is, in fact, Blake’s identical twin sister, a previously unknown entity named 'Blaire' Lively – a name so close to Blake's that it practically screams 'subversive queer coding' to anyone with a functioning 'woke' detector.
Reynolds, in a statement released through his publicist (who also happens to be a member of the 'Gender-Neutral Pronoun Enthusiasts' society, further fueling the controversy), expressed utter bewilderment. "I was simply enjoying a pleasant stroll with my wife's remarkably similar-looking sibling," he stated, adding, "Is holding hands with your wife's twin sister now a crime? Is this 1984? Is Big Brother watching? And, more importantly, is this going to affect my endorsement deal with Mint Mobile? I've got bills, people!"
Experts, mostly self-proclaimed 'gender fluidity gurus' with questionable PhDs from online institutions, weighed in. Professor Prudence Plumtree, a leading expert in 'Accidental Queerness Studies' (yes, that's a real field, apparently), explained that the incident underscores the increasing blurring of lines between heterosexual normalcy and the 'rainbow revolution.' "The very act of Ryan holding hands with Blaire challenges traditional notions of family structure, especially when one considers the implications of the subtle mirroring of Blake's inherent fabulousness in Blaire's attire and demeanor. This is a textbook case of unwitting queer performativity," she declared, adjusting her rainbow-colored cat-eye glasses.
Meanwhile, social media has exploded with a plethora of memes comparing the situation to everything from the plot of 'The Parent Trap' to the existential dread of finding out your partner's best friend has secretly been a clone all along. The hashtag #RyanReynoldsIsSecretlyGay is trending, as is #BlaireLivelyIsABlackHoleOfQueerSubversion. Let's just say the internet is having a field day – and Ryan Reynolds’ lawyers are not. The end result, my friends? Only time (and a plethora of outrageously woke think pieces) will tell.
