In a shocking twist worthy of a Netflix docuseries, Mildred Crabtree, the third-grade teacher who famously banned a rainbow-colored crayon set claiming it 'promoted a lifestyle,' has been revealed as the secret author of "Sparklehoof and the Seven Genderfluid Ponies," a children's book so exquisitely queer it's given the entire library board existential dread.
Sources say Ms. Crabtree, a woman whose wardrobe consists solely of beige cardigans and a deep-seated fear of anything remotely fun, secretly penned this masterpiece of LGBTQ+ representation while muttering about the 'indoctrination' of her students. The book, illustrated with surprisingly vibrant and anatomically-correct illustrations of mythical creatures engaging in various forms of non-procreative love, is apparently a bestseller among ethically-sourced, organic kale-farming communities.
"It's… unexpected," stammered Principal Henderson, wiping sweat from his brow. "I mean, the woman practically fainted when I suggested we let the kids wear mismatched socks to celebrate 'odd-sock day.' But this? This is… a kaleidoscope of queerness!"
The book's plot, a whirlwind of gender fluidity, polyamorous relationships between sentient cacti, and a surprisingly empowering message about the importance of self-expression, has been both praised and condemned, with one parent claiming it "turned their child into a gender-bending, glitter-bomb-throwing anarchist." Meanwhile, a prominent Westboro Baptist Church representative announced they'll be holding a counter-protest involving interpretive dance and copious amounts of lavender-scented hand sanitizer. Ironically, their protest is selling out faster than tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
Ms. Crabtree, contacted for comment, simply clutched her beige cardigan tighter and muttered something about the 'liberal agenda' being 'infiltrated by unicorns.' We at the Daily Satirist believe this is a clear case of internalized homophobia – or perhaps, the birth of a new literary giant. Either way, grab your copy before the moral majority burns them all! (We're accepting donations for the inevitable legal battles.)
