In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with discourse hotter than a Kylie Jenner lip kit, Gregory McGreggor, CEO of the multinational conglomerate 'Stuff N' Things', has announced a company-wide ban on all Pride-related merchandise while simultaneously unveiling his own line of extravagantly rainbow-hued footwear.

The ban, McGreggor claims, is a necessary measure to "maintain a professional atmosphere" – an atmosphere, we can only assume, is now defined by the blinding flash of his new 'Gay-laxy' sneakers, described in the press release as ‘a celebration of diversity… and excellent arch support.’ The shoes, available in a dazzling array of colors, including ‘Suspiciously Similar to the Trans Flag’ and ‘Accidentally Hits All the Pansexual Colors,’ are already selling out faster than tickets to a Taylor Swift Eras tour concert.

Critics have labelled McGreggor's actions as ‘peak performative allyship,’ while others have hailed him as a visionary, proving that even the most staunch homophobes can ultimately be swayed by the sheer profitability of rainbows. One social media commenter, using the handle @Karen4Truth, proclaimed, ‘This is clearly a satanic plot! They’re normalizing… sparkly shoes?!’

The controversy has also sparked a wave of memes, including a particularly popular one featuring McGreggor’s face superimposed onto the body of RuPaul, with the caption, ‘When you accidentally make a million dollars supporting what you secretly hate.’ Meanwhile, activists are considering forming a new political group dedicated solely to the cause of mandatory, brightly colored footwear – perhaps hinting at a future where ‘homophobic footwear fascism’ is the ultimate political battleground.

McGreggor, when reached for comment, simply smiled, adjusted his rainbow socks, and stated, ‘It’s all about the bottom line, darling. And the bottom line is… fabulous.’