In a move that has sent shockwaves through the already-fragile ecosystem of woke Twitter, renowned athlete Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has publicly ridiculed the ‘rainbowification’ of Olympic uniforms, deeming them ‘too flamboyant for a man’s sport’. Instead, Thundercock, a champion in the newly-recognized sport of ‘Competitive Manliness’, unveiled his own revolutionary design: a dazzling jumpsuit featuring a single, unwavering, heterosexual flag.

"It's about time someone stood up for the forgotten majority," thundered Thundercock during a press conference that coincidentally featured a live performance by a barbershop quartet. "These rainbow uniforms are an assault on the very fabric of masculinity! They're basically forcing us all to participate in a Pride parade led by a rogue unicorn riding a glitter-covered bicycle."

Thundercock’s jumpsuit, he claims, is made of 100% pure, unadulterated cisgender cotton. "It's got no sparkles, no frills, no... *gasp*… *feelings*. Just raw, unbridled heteronormativity," he boasted. He went on to describe the design as ‘aesthetically pleasing to the average, non-woke American male.’

The design's subtle nod to the 1950s, complete with a belt buckle that inexplicably plays the theme song from ‘Leave it to Beaver’, has sparked heated debate. While some praise Thundercock for his ‘bold stand against excessive inclusivity,’ others (mostly people with functioning taste buds and an awareness of current events) have described the jumpsuit as a fashion crime worthy of a lifetime ban from the Met Gala.

Predictably, Twitter has exploded. #ChadThundercock is trending, alongside #StraightPride and #MyJumpsuitIsMoreMasculineThanYours. One particularly memorable tweet read: "Chad Thundercock single-handedly saved masculinity from the tyranny of rainbows and glitter. He's my hero." Attached was a picture of a chihuahua dressed in a tiny American flag bandana.

Regardless of the outrage, Thundercock remains undeterred, stating he plans to start a clothing line: 'Thundercock Threads: Clothing for Men Who Aren't Afraid to Be… Well, Men'. The collection will reportedly include items such as camouflage pants, plaid shirts, and a limited-edition line of sweaters featuring pictures of muscular eagles.

We're certain that future sporting events are going to be far more interesting.