In a move that has left even the most seasoned LGBTQ+ activists scratching their perfectly sculpted beards (and/or flawlessly plucked eyebrows), Mayor Mildred McMillan has announced a ban on all forms of LGBTQ+ activism within city limits. Simultaneously, she's launched a city-wide initiative to support LGBTQ+-owned businesses, specifically those selling rainbow-colored merchandise.

'It's a matter of principle,' McMillan declared, flanked by a phalanx of suspiciously cheerful bakery owners, each clutching a box of cupcakes adorned with miniature pride flags. 'We believe in supporting the community, as long as that support doesn't involve, you know, *actual* community organizing. That's just... disruptive.'

Critics are calling the mayor's actions a blatant example of 'Gay-Adjacent' politics – a term coined by leading queer theorist, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), to describe the performative allyship that stops short of meaningful change. 'It's like saying you love Beyoncé but refuse to listen to her music,' explained activist extraordinaire, Brenda Glitterbomb. 'It's the equivalent of wearing a 'Love is Love' t-shirt while simultaneously donating to anti-LGBTQ+ organizations – only with cupcakes!'

The ban, oddly enough, does not extend to drag shows featuring celebrity impersonators (apparently, Cher's 'Believe' is considered 'patriotic' now). Further fueling the controversy, the city council is currently debating whether to commission a giant, rainbow-colored statue of RuPaul, to be erected directly across from the newly established 'Straight Pride' parade route.

'The cognitive dissonance is delicious,' whispered a gleeful observer, munching on a rainbow cupcake. 'It's like a delicious, sugary Molotov cocktail of hypocrisy.' The mayor’s office has yet to comment on whether the cupcakes are gluten-free, but sources confirm they are definitely Instagrammable. The ongoing saga is a perfect example of how far we’ve come, and how utterly ridiculous it still is.