In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the deeply conservative community of… well, everywhere, country music legend Dolly Parton has announced a full-scale assault on gender-neutral pronouns. Speaking from her rhinestone-encrusted, gender-fluid, self-identifying yurt (which she insists on referring to as a 'yurt-they'), Parton declared, "Honey, I love inclusivity, but 'they/them' sounds like a discount airline. It just ain't got that *oomph*."

This unexpected declaration follows the release of Parton's controversial new album, "Rainbow Rhinestone Revolution," which features a tracklist so diverse it rivals the Amazon rainforest. Each song, apparently, is dedicated to a different gender identity, resulting in 78 tracks – with more reportedly being added daily. Critics have called the album "a masterpiece of inclusivity," while others, less charitable, have described it as "a sonic assault perpetrated by a sparkly, gender-bending, musical genius."

Sources close to Parton claim the album's creation was inspired by a particularly aggressive squirrel she encountered while writing songs in her backyard. "That darn squirrel kept changing its mind about which nut it wanted," Parton explained in a press release, "And it struck me! That's what gender's all about – freedom of choice! Even for woodland creatures. And also, I have way more sequins now, than I ever thought humanly possible."

The album's lead single, "Jolene's Journey to Genderfluidity," is already topping charts and sparking fierce debates across the internet. The video features a diverse cast of individuals engaging in interpretive dance while wearing outfits that appear to have been designed by a glitter-bomb-obsessed, post-apocalyptic drag queen. One particularly noteworthy scene shows Jolene, reimagined as a non-binary, genderqueer, polyamorous sentient cactus, serenading a group of equally eccentric woodland creatures.

Parton's radical shift has, understandably, caused a stir. One particularly flustered commentator, claiming to be a self-proclaimed 'defender of traditional values,' was quoted as saying, "It's just too much… Too much glitter, too much gender, too much… *everything*. I need a stiff drink, and maybe a therapist. And a whole lot of straight country music." This only seemed to embolden Parton, who responded with a simple, yet defiant, "Bless your heart, darling. Now, buy my album."