In a move that's simultaneously baffling and brilliantly queer, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, known for his staunchly anti-LGBTQ stances (and surprisingly flamboyant pinky rings), has not only sponsored a bill that would effectively erase LGBTQ+ history from textbooks, but also signed on as a key sponsor of a petition demanding the nationwide legalization of glitter bombing politicians who oppose same-sex marriage.

Sources claim Butterscotch's actions stem from a 'moment of clarity' induced by an accidental consumption of five rainbow-colored cupcakes laced with artisanal lavender honey (claims remain unverified). 'He was yelling about 'the unnatural rainbow agenda' one minute and signing a petition demanding 'reparative glitter therapy' for bigots the next,' reported a bewildered staffer, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being glitter-bombed themselves.

The bill, affectionately nicknamed the 'Hetero-Normative Historical Honesty Act,' aims to replace historical accounts of LGBTQ+ figures with stories of 'wholesome' heterosexual couples who, coincidentally, all happen to look like Senator Butterscotch’s distant relatives. The petition, conversely, calls for a 'fully inclusive glitter-based societal recalibration,' advocating for widespread glitter distribution and the establishment of a national 'Glitter Emergency Response Team' to handle potential 'bigotry-induced glitter crises.'

'It's like he's trying to simultaneously erase us and cover us in sparkly rainbows,' quipped local drag queen, 'Lady Gaga-esque-La-Queer,' commenting on the senator's contradictory actions. 'Honey, the cognitive dissonance is giving me a headache, and a fabulous, sparkly one at that!'

Butterscotch's office released a statement reading: 'The Senator is committed to upholding traditional values while also embracing the vibrant tapestry of human experience. He believes that the 'Hetero-Normative Historical Honesty Act' will foster a more honest understanding of history, whilst simultaneously advocating for a joyful, sparkly future for all.'

Meanwhile, a GoFundMe has been launched to purchase enough glitter to cover the entire state capitol building. The campaign slogan? 'Glitter Up the Government!' It has already exceeded its goal by 500,000%, primarily through donations from the surprisingly wealthy and politically active international glitter industry.